Green Bay Packers quarterback and State Farm Insurance spokes-man-bun Aaron Rodgers has been extensively pilloried for first mendacity about whether or not he obtained the COVID-19 vaccination, then getting COVID-19, then babbling a slew of vaccine disinformation throughout a radio interview, then going again on the identical radio present Tuesday and providing a limp-noodle apology whereas concurrently saying, “I stand behind the things that I said.”
If studying all that makes you’re feeling such as you have been hit within the face with a soccer thrown by Aaron Rodgers, I’m certain Aaron Rodgers would say: “I’m very sorry if me throwing a football at your face caused you to feel like you were hurt by a football hitting your face. If you felt hurt by a football I threw, I take full responsibility, but I stand by my decision to throw one directly into your face.”
Many are defending the MVP quarterback for taking a principled stand on vaccines, however the fact is he unleashed a slew of completely unfounded anti-vaccine speaking factors, together with a number of classics: the vaccines trigger infertility (they don’t); vaccinated folks can nonetheless get COVID-19, so the vaccines should not be efficient (the hospitalization and loss of life charge for vaccinated individuals who get sick is way decrease than for the unvaccinated); and dude-bro podcaster Joe Rogan is a dependable supply for medical data (he completely is just not).
And Rodgers did all that with out a single point out of the greater than 750,000 Americans who have died from the virus, or the a whole bunch of hundreds of others who have gotten sick or misplaced a beloved one.
While the NFL introduced Tuesday it was fining the Packers group and Rodgers for violating league COVID-19 protocols, it’s probably the quarterback can be again on the sphere quickly, and State Farm officers say they stand by their man.
Because I imagine in honesty in promoting, I’ve taken the freedom of writing a script for Rodgers’ subsequent flip because the insurance firm’s spokesquack.
Here it’s, freed from cost:
Hi, my title is (cough) Aaron Rodgers, and I’m right here to speak to you about State Farm.
You’re in all probability anticipating to see me joking round with my buddy Jake from State Farm. Well, sadly, he has COVID-19. Some say he acquired it after hanging out with me unmasked, considering I used to be absolutely vaccinated. Classic, Jake! I by no means informed him I used to be vaccinated. I simply informed him I used to be immunized, which is true, if the phrase “immunized” means “consulted with a podcast host about important medical decisions that impact the people around you.”
Anyhoo, hope you’re feeling higher quickly, Jake. Let me know in the event you want any ivermectin. Speaking of fine neighbors, the oldsters right here at State Farm need you to learn about their nice charges on auto insurance.
Just to be clear, I don’t have auto insurance myself. I imagine that’s a personal determination, and being a important thinker, I made a decision to do my very own analysis and work out whether or not car insurance was finest for me and my pockets.
When I borrowed a buddy’s car earlier this yr and he requested if I had insurance, I mentioned I used to be “covered,” which was true as a result of at that second I used to be sporting garments that lined my physique. After I crashed his car, I apologized if he felt I misled him, however I stood by every part I mentioned.
I notice I’m within the crosshairs of the woke mob proper now, so earlier than the ultimate nail will get put in my cancel tradition casket, I’d prefer to set the report straight about why I select to not have insurance that will defend each me and different drivers.
For starters, I consulted a variety of imprisoned hit-and-run drivers who by no means had car insurance they usually made some convincing arguments. I additionally spoke with my good buddy Alex Jones of Infowars, and he informed me car insurance is a part of a international conspiracy to emasculate skilled athletes and switch them into mole folks.
With that data, I used to be in a position to make an knowledgeable option to ignore authorities stooges who declare not having car insurance is “against the law.” As if!
I additionally have an allergy to month-to-month premiums that stops me from safely buying auto insurance.
Besides, if insurance is so nice, how come folks with insurance are nonetheless getting in car accidents? I used to be as soon as in a car accident, so I’ve developed a pure immunity to collisions and have no want for insurance. That’s simply science. And I imagine in any science I have performed my very own analysis on.
I’m certain folks will nonetheless get mad at me. But what about “my auto, my choice”? What about making the most effective determination for my Ford F-150 pickup truck?
The nice Martin Luther King Jr. mentioned you have a ethical obligation to object to unjust guidelines and guidelines that make no sense. He was clearly speaking about people who find themselves pressured to have car insurance or do something that may profit the higher good, and if anybody disagrees with my interpretation of that quote, I’m sorry they really feel upset. That is all I’m sorry about, and I stand behind every part I mentioned.
Now please go purchase insurance from State Farm.
Or don’t.
(Cue music for State Farm jingle.)
“Like a bad neighbor, Aaron don’t care.”
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